The Maroon Guru Macaroon

In the garden, preparing for shintaido. Opened my mouth and all these bizarre things came out..to the west, the wobbly, wet, windy, watery, west. I had more fun calling in the silly points of the compass, than I've had the past few days looking for meaningful words for each direction. And not surprisingly, the whole experience was really rather groovy.

And of course, the words for the day are "sod significance".

On journalling, I realised the gremlin that has been sitting on me for the past few days - so LADIES AND GENTLEMENT....meet the Maroon Guru Macaroon. The cross-legged, fake-tanned, loincloth-wearing wise one. He wears a ridiculously large maroon turban (which actually is removed in one piece, with a silly popping noise, rather than being wrapped carefully) fastened with a (glass) ruby in a gold setting. Anyway, this guy sidles into the scene very quietly, (sneaking into the shot, almost unnoticed from an edge of the scene) on his ridiculously large flying carpet and smothers whatever is going on in the middle of the stage.

And there he sits, making nonsense OMMing noises, and occasionally sneaking an eye open to see if anyone has realised he's making it all up. He then waits, and occasionally opens his eyes, smiles (rather sickeningly) and utters some phrase as if a blessing to the masses...."remember, sprouts are only 59p per kilo in Sainsbury's".

The major trick he plays is to make everything so very earnest and significant. Actually, he has some good things to offer and say, but it's so pressured into being significant that it comes out all weird and choked up.

What I love about this image, aside from the fact I can see him clearly, is that noticing it brings me so much more compassion and humour. I know I can be actually rather wise or peaceful from time to time and I know I do want to find learning and depth, but recognising that my wisdom and peace also come from silliness, play and downright stupidity....who said it had to be meanigful, deep or wise? The Maroon-Guru-Macaroon, that's who...

Lid lifted

J

Catching myself coming back

Good grief, I could do with just slowing down again. The last two days have included a rather heated email exchange with our wedding photographer, some great feedback on things I do / be, new appointments, disappointments and strange weather. I feel in a spin, but not like a positive, gyroscopic one, more of a headish slow topple! Still....

A highlight to share is this, adapted from the journal.....

Yesterday, Elly and I stopped working, opened the window and listened to the snow falling. We could hear the thick flakes hissing through the air. This is the power of the moment: we can lose ourselves in an experience like that and fall in love with the world again.

I grow more convinced that the only way to change or grow is to slow right down and fully experience the things we want to change - to fall in love with them, learn their wisdom and then move on, with the hiss of the snow playing beautifully in our memory.

What a wonderful hippy.

Love

Me
x

Today is not the easiest day.

I had a big gremlin attack last night, the essence of which is "I have nothing worthwhile to offer and when I do, it's either stupid or ineffectual, so shut up, and stop bothering people". Well, I know that's gremlin nonsense and I don't actually believe it (yay!), and it ties very neatly with the lid of being completely alone - it's the missing piece that makes it all self-fulfilling. When the lid is down, I'm so afraid of saying anything that I shut up and try to be invisible, and if the gremlin is there as well, then if I do say anything I'm convinced it's so pointless and people will leave anyway - it's that old line: "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't" - what a sack of crap! Wonderful how many knots all these strange beliefs tie me up in, and I don't think I really want to entertain that any more - I shall chuck a metaphorical rock up the hillside for that one!

Anyway, while journalling I had several thoughts that reminded me of all the swans...landing in your arms after trust fall and being welcomed and loved, snot, tears, and odd behaviour all together. And I realised I miss you all. I want to hear more from each of you. It's disorientating and a little odd hearing and reading very few voices. It's almost as if we've disconnected and got back to what we used to call real life. I'm not happy with that, if it is true. So, PLEASE, let's hear from each other again.

With love

X

Simple

Ay up (means hello)

A simple posting today - and the word is 'practice'. In all things, practice: patience, compassion, speaking truth and inviting people in. Practice, practice, practice.

Love
Me
X

Know me some more

When I was about 8 and it was a warm summer day, I would get off the bus from school and walk home. Some days, there would be just me walking back. On those days, I would deliberately walk slowly, so I could hear each step that I took, making a light crunching noise on the gravel on the pavement. I can feel the warmth on my back and all around me, even as I think of those walks home. I would walk so slowly and hold each precious second close to my heart. I have such a clear picture of it now, with Roy's house on my right, the hedgerow on the left and the field with wheat in behind it. I'd be able to feel the pavement under my feet, and hear the occasional bird singing. The sound of the gravel would provide just enough of a focus to hold me in that moment, and yet not so much that it became hard work. I would savour each of those seconds. In those moments I had my earliest and fondest experiences of peace, belonging and the richness of each moment.

Throughout my life, I've loved places of such stillness, with just enough of a focus to draw my attention both inside and out. I've always liked churches, cathedrals, art galleries (when they're quieter) and quiet spots in the countryside. For just that reason: I could find tranquility, like my attention and energy are perfeclty balanced between the outer and inner worlds. At those times, there is no doing required, just staying in the being of life.

I claimed this value of mine today, it's called 'reverence'. Here are some words...

"I wonder how I could bring reverence to my life? The truth is that every moment holds 'just enough focus' to find the emotion and experience, however each moment might look on the outside. Theere is so much joy and experience in this world that we could never tire of it - what a joyous playground and place of discovery.

The dead way to live is to pass with our eyes closed and heart shut, trying to be 'strong', pretending we don't feel either pain or joy. This way kills more surely than the pain and joy of life ever could, even in the rawness of our hearts. To feel our pain and fear merely reminds us how much we have loved and how capable of loving we truly are. Pain is merely love, removed or passed.

The live way is to feel and experience our lives, to seek what we need to sit in our pain and fear, to sit in our joy and love and to let these expereinces show in our faces, our eyes, our words and hearts. This gives us deeper access to ourselves and to each other. This is the new way and the oldest way - it is the pulse of life and the rhythm of all things, it is the path of forgiveness and reconciliation. This is the living way, the way of love and acceptance of ourselves and of our enemies who become our deepest friends. Such love is life. Be with."

J
x

Dreams, dreams, drzzzzzzzzz

I love dreams. They are so insightful. Never mind all that Freudian analysis stuff - get your head around Gestalt dream work - it's delightful, and astounding how powerful a process it is for assimilating inner wisdom. The basic premises are that only the dreamer can know what the dream is about (sounding familiar?), and that some facet or facets of the dreamer are represented in every feature of the dream. Another wonderful notion is that dreams are your subconscious (intuitive?) mind talking to you, but that nightmares or recurring dreams are your subconscious shouting at you. Anyway, don;t take it from me, read about it yourself or even better, work with your dreams in a gestalt way, it will be fascinating. Unless it isn;t of course!

I love it.

When I worked through my dream last night (it's a bit of a hobby with me), I found a means of identifying and integrating three different aspects of myself - my soul (the symbol was a large, bank with deep vaults), my heart (a young child who had robbed the bank, and very scared of being sent back to prison - long story there too, and no, I haven't committed any crimes or been in prison, my subconscious isn't that literal!) and my mind (the rather serious policeman who didn;t want to punish, but to understand the thief - always trying to understand). Anyway, one of the processes is a dialogue between different elements of the dream....suffice it to say my journal is a little bizarre, but wonderfully resolved today.

Here are some words...

"My word today was clarity. How wonderful it should come through in my dream and bring a totally different process of finding wisdom with it. Things are seldom what they seem at first glance, and yet it's the glance that changes. the glance. Not the things themselves. This is all we get in life, a series of glances, unless we slow down and think of the variety of different glances. The is the way of peacefulness, celebration and integration. Welcome to more of life, welcome to more of me. . With love and depth..."

Me
x

Ooooooo a moment of peace

Hi all,

Elly's birthday today, so dashing out soon. Here are some words....

"I feel restful and peaceful. My sadness and remorse are actually very loving and compassionate. Joy, that was my word today, and I can unpack that word a little - it includes a peaceful, gentle smile as well as bounding about the place all jumpy and excited.

I've been likened to Kenny Everett three times in the last three days (this is getting spooky), and I find moments of real peace as well - very gentle smiling - a Dalai Lama-esque feeling. Quite a bizarre combination - eccentric, you might say.

As I listen to the level three of the swans I notice we are out of sync. That our wings are not beating in time. That we are flying unevenly. I feel the swans need a lift or focus? I want us to look together in one place once again. To re-find each other it feels important to share a moment - in spirit. Not in voice or on the phone - in spirit. I suggest this as a playful experiment.

Next week, on Tuesday 29th November, I will think of each of you between 15:00 and 15:30 GMT, and send you a word in thought. If you want to play at something bizarre - please join in at the same time, or listen out - who knows what you might hear."

With a bizarre and slightly silly grin

Me
X

Eeeee by gum but ahm knackered

A fine piece of northern English dialect for you there, which roughly translates to "I say, how very tired I'm feeling".

Well, perhaps predictably, the session went really well.....and got better from the minute I stopped using the damned powerpoint slides and starting playing and being, frankly, rather camp. So there we were, 50-60 people all asking dumb questions, making mistakes and splashing about in some real basic values and vision stuff. It was a ball!

And the feedback....was great! Apparently, my style is.....
"enthusiastic, inspiring, energetic, informal, relaxed, fun AND professional"....all these things and more, right? And here's the weirdest piece of 'learning'. I've heard and known these words about my style for ages - really, a long time. And what I realised today was that I had assumed that everybody's style of leading workshops is like that, that there's nothing remarkable about it. And (can you see the Homer Simpson moment coming?), today, I'm actually getting that it's not everyone - it is me - and actually, it is special and powerful, and I don't need to think that just because it's easy (relatively) for me, that it's valueless.......D'OH!

Elly finds this realisation extremely amusing, and has been wondering how long it would take me to get that I really am very special. D'oh - again.

So, my commitment today is to explore and revel in my 'home-base' a little more, before I go off anywhere else.

And because I'm so tired, I'm off for a while, now.

Wishing you fond lovely things

xx


So,

How come tomorrow is taking up so much of today?

Well, I need some help and support here.

Tomorrow I'm leading a presentation for two hours or so to the local branch of the largest professional HR body in the UK (CIPD). Seventy people, presumably all coming along in their corporate roles, pretending to be experts (OOOOO what boxes am I putting people in?!). And I'm leading a session called 'passion and performance: co-active coaching in the workplace'.

Strangely, although I know I know my stuff inside out and back to front and have lead sessions like this perfectly well before now, I'm feeling quite heady and nervous about it all. And yet, when I'm in the flow - no problems, I'm sure. So settling down is required.

Perhaps I can come at it from the word of the day - which is 'growth'. As I stood on the ground, feeling my feet on the floor, I noticed my head was going upwards - neat trick. I was growing.

Aren't we always?

Love
X

Two days, one post, one cup of tea and a red pen

My impact - what is it? Getting clearer - I open people up to new experiences - actually the ones they thought they couldn't or shouldn't have - whether apparently positive and negative. The size of life expands as a result - and it is more peaceful. You know what, process is my preferred principle, even my fulfillment and balance coaching feels kinda processy. Neat. I love it.

Here are some words from yesterday's journal...for which the very clear word was...PURPOSE.

"My swans, I speak from my heart, we bring peace. This is what we do. This is the big thing we are up to, the tidal wave we cause. When we beat our wings together, the movement is irresistible and after it follows peace. Our interventions bring a newer, deeper, more loving peace. One where we might be still, be in dynamic movement, be in ourselves and our own experience of life and so...be peaceful. And when we are at peace, all that we do will be peaceful.

How many lives must we save? Only our own, and all those lives around us will be transformed. This is what we swans do, this is how we be. Peaceful, graceful and powerful. The greatest wall we must beat down is the one around our own heart. And when that is beaten to dust then we will be truly peaceful, we will bring peace and we will truly be swans in flight."

Love

X

One of mine

Wisdom


And all the while,
as I am becoming
more frustrated
more irritated
more desperate
to grab inner peace and force it to live in me for longer than five minutes once a week,
all this while…

…outside…

…the birds sing
the breeze sets leaves to dance
and a robin,
perked
high and proud
cocks his head
‘how curious!’
he observes
and returns to the real world

Spinning like a top

Hi!

Well, I'm off to York later today to run two workshops on stress and motivation - what a great chance to watch for my eccentric impact - I'll let you know!

Today's words were more of an idea - to just STOP. NOW. And look around at the world and beauty we would have missed if we were blindly working away or trying too hard. As I stood facing the East, I stopped and decided to stand and wait a little before starting shintaido. And a flock of fieldfares flew past, out of the East - stopping has its rewards.

And then later, as I waited for a word to appear, I opened my eyes and watched the garden birds flying past and around me. Witness the beauty of the world, we miss it too often.

With busy-ness and remembering to stop and spin perfectly still for a while.

Love

X

Snatching victory from the jaws of defeat

These are the last few lines of my journalling this morning; I was writing about choosing the alive way or the dead way in every moment of life...These words remind me of Haiku in terms of capturing a moment.

"A leaf on the plant dances in the rising hot air from the radiator below the window sill on which the plant sits. Things are moving even though we may not see what causes them to move. This is a comforting thought."

Peaceful, easy and smiling slightly.

Fly well

XX

How is it to be full of emptiness? A mondo from me

My word today was 'empty' and, ironically, I filled my face with a smile after it arrived. I have spent some days since retreat 1 worrying about feeling empty, particularly after feeling so full on the retreat itself. And it reminded me of something people have said to me....

"Let it be empty for a while" - Thanks to Karen for that gem, and "there is nothing to do here, but be here, now" - thanks to me for that one. So I sat with emptiness, rather than rush to fill it up or panicking about trying to get back to fullness. SO here are some notes from my journal that relate to this, and frankly, you can replace emptiness with just about any word you care to think of (though probably not sausages)...

If I'm picking blackberries and get caught on the thorns, it hurts, and my normal reaction is to pull my arm away as quickly as possible. But, pull against a thorn and all I do is catch myself on it even more - causing more pain. If I stop, then put my arm back in a little way, I will unhook myself and will be able to remove my arm from the thorns safely.

Emptiness is the same. It makes no more sense to try and lead a full life, without experiencing emptiness, than it does to try to breathe fully in, without first breathing out. It's part of the deal...it is something to be experienced fully and with as much wonder and joy as joy itself, passion, sadness, fear, anger and flying.

As I sit with emptiness I realise it is a sign of completion, of having finished with something, and that it allows me to be filled again. Emptiness allows me to resonate clearly. Emptiness is SPACE, and if I am feeling empty I am merely feeling the space that I am in. Things move towards emptiness as much as things gravitate towards fullness. Space and emptiness allow other things and people to be in their experience fully, without cramping them. If I run from emptiness, if I always cling to and yearn for fullness, I am missing precious moments of my life and putting myself more strongly on the hook. If I run from emptiness, I can never really complete, deepen or be filled again.

This, is how the lake we swans swim on came to be made.

Hmmm.

With love

Me
X

Well, OK, you asked for it

Goodness, here it is - my first post on a blog. So I'm feeling a little exposed, fortunately for the good citizens of Leicestershire, this is not a literal phenomenon, more an internal one. Anyway, here we are, blogging.

I wanted this to be a journal of talking from my heart to my tribe, the Swans, and anyone dotty enough to happen by, and I'm sure that sometimes, I'll get it wrong and it will seem to be as heartfelt as a brick. Still, you'll know, I guess, when you read.

So, an intriguing place to be in today. I loved the group call yesterday - it really brought home a sense of belonging and joy. I loved being invited to say more (Thanks Paul) - this is a novelty for me, so takes a little getting used to. And I have been working through some fascinating stuff for me, how often it is easier to write from my heart than it is to speak from it. So, hey, blogging may suit after all.

Morning ritual produced another word today - leaning. What this means is unclear and a phrase I am working with at the moment is "I don't need to understand", so that's paying off already! I am feeling somehow soulful today.

I want to have words to offer you that would tell you something comforting and growing, and right now I don't have them. So, know that you are part of something bigger than yourself and that somewhere, sometimes, somebody else is taking care of the space so we don't always have to tend to it ourselves.

OO sounds quite deep that. Better sign off!

Love

Whatever my name is!