Today is not the easiest day.

I had a big gremlin attack last night, the essence of which is "I have nothing worthwhile to offer and when I do, it's either stupid or ineffectual, so shut up, and stop bothering people". Well, I know that's gremlin nonsense and I don't actually believe it (yay!), and it ties very neatly with the lid of being completely alone - it's the missing piece that makes it all self-fulfilling. When the lid is down, I'm so afraid of saying anything that I shut up and try to be invisible, and if the gremlin is there as well, then if I do say anything I'm convinced it's so pointless and people will leave anyway - it's that old line: "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't" - what a sack of crap! Wonderful how many knots all these strange beliefs tie me up in, and I don't think I really want to entertain that any more - I shall chuck a metaphorical rock up the hillside for that one!

Anyway, while journalling I had several thoughts that reminded me of all the swans...landing in your arms after trust fall and being welcomed and loved, snot, tears, and odd behaviour all together. And I realised I miss you all. I want to hear more from each of you. It's disorientating and a little odd hearing and reading very few voices. It's almost as if we've disconnected and got back to what we used to call real life. I'm not happy with that, if it is true. So, PLEASE, let's hear from each other again.

With love

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