And we think this stuff is new?!

I read this at some friends' wedding and at the time I thought, "how pretty". Today I read it and thought, "how perfect." Anyway, I can't think of a situation where this doesn't apply, but it struck me in relation to calling forth and how, without connection or listening (or love!) it sounds harsh, critical and just like angry noise. Here we go...

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not Love, I am become as sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not Love, I am nothing.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not Love, it profiteth me nothing...

...Love never fails"

Ho

Moved

Listen to Eva Cassidy's cover of the Paul Simon tune, Kathy's Song - it's beautiful.

Sometimes I have no idea what people are talking about, even though I understand the words.

I love cold weather.

In Gerona after Retreat one, I was sitting on a bench next to the road, in the silent part of the morning ritual. A mother walked by carrying her daughter who was looking over her shoulder. She was the most beautiful little girl, her eyes were so dark you could go swimming in them. I looked at her and she looked at me and I have seldom felt so seen, or felt a smile so deeply.

I get tired of thinking so much.

I hate it when people complain. (Hoho)

"No shit, Sherlock!" Is a phrase that makes me laugh a lot and I love Pieter Breughel's painting, the festival between carnival and lent.

I dislike the normal way of doing things, but do it a lot.

I trust crying now.

Why do we all pretend so much?

Purpose and mission and me

I can never experience the world because my perception keeps getting in the way of it! Where does my projection end and the world begin? Or yours, for that matter?

Attachment, ego, lack of compassion and judgment arise from the dissonant stuff in my life. They create desire and desire creates suffering. If my stake, my purpose arises from such desire then it will just be an instrument of suffering. Everything I do from that place will be lessened in impact because it is still tangled up in me: it will be like delivering a punch underwater, cutting with a blunt knife, like fighting in a loose robe that tangles the handle of the sword!

So, where do I find my purpose, and how do I stay sufficiently non-attached, sufficiently non-desirous to be able to deliver it? In service? Perhaps, though definitely not if service arises out of feeding or placating something dissonant. Interestingly, even resonant stuff, when tinged with desire and attachment becomes painful. So what is a truly non-attached resonance like? Is it possible at all?! That is the place to look for mission and purpose.

Where does personal development end and leadership start? They don't; they are absolutely and inescapably linked. If the purpose of personal awareness is to expose my dissonant and feed the resonant, then it is always pointing me to a more effective stake and purpose.

Say what you like, I really do think it's a fascinating and deeply meaningful navel.

With love

How interesting!

Oh dear, look at me getting all angry and aerated and oh, all those things.
Nice to get into a good strop, shout and scream and kick and then settle down.
Feels much lighter now.
If perhaps a bit silly.
And so, peace.
Ahem.
J
x

A request for help

Has anyone seen my new socks?
I left them in the bedroom last night and now they've gone.
Bugger.

Well, that's a surprise

Nothing much to say today.
Maybe tomorrow will show
Some pleasing new way to say
nothing.
One that doesn't feel like
a contradiction in terms.

Until then
I'll hang up my pen
(well, keyboard)
and go back to sleep.

ZZZZZ

You

If I had the royal road to your soul
I would drape your heart all over it
I would line the edge of that path
with memories of when you have been hurt:
the little mirrors that show you glimpses of the rest of you,
that you keep safe: locked in a cage.

Your life sleeps under wraps.
You say you can choose to let it out
But you never do.

Occasionally you take a guest to the cage,
rattle the bars and wake the beast
to remind yourself,
to dazzle the others,
“look, this is the fullness of me!”
“See how I can dance!”
“See how beautiful this is, how I spread my wings!”
But it hurts when your wings clip the cage
So, you put yourself back to sleep.
Cover the cage.
“Best to leave it alone”
“Let it rest for a while”

You say you can choose to let it out
But you never do.

Occasionally you think people glimpse what sleeps in the cage.
That despite the covers they might see through,
without your choice,
without your control.
So you skip gaily around it, spouting nonsense, lying

ever more delicate and artistic covers over it.
The better to hide it,
the better to keep it safe.
But your cage is the most obvious thing in the world;
the dance and the covers transparent.

You say you can choose to let it out

But you never do.

Head emptying

Good grief.
A week or two
to retreat two
and I haven't learned anything about retreat one yet.
Ahh crap.

Ah well, off to pottery tonight, that'll be fun.
I was thinking about making something for the swans.
Have no idea what, though.

Ponder ponder ponder.

Love

J
x

A poem for your illumination

The impact I have on other people is...

Chiefly governed by which part of my body I use...

anything from a sort of limp slap
to a cracking right upper cut
from a kinda windy useless flap
to a hefty kick in the butt

Reduce you to a sopping sobbing dribbling mess
with a stinging heartfelt rebuke
or a vitrioloc tirade of hideous abuse
that would make even a deaf man puke

You name it and it happens
It darned difficult to understand
How the impact of my open heart
Is more powerful than that of my hand

Particularly if I throw it really hard...

...SPLAT!

An exercise in emotional logic...

Something I realised:

I don't let people know how sensitive I am. So here goes: I get hurt deeply and easily.

Here are some things I've been (repeatedly) told by family and friends, and my gremlin, through most of my life:
"You're too sensitive"
"You need to toughen up"
"Give as good as you get"
"Just ignore it / them"
"Show no pain or they'll do it again"
"If you show emotion or talk through tears, people don't listen, then they patronise you and think you're a wimp"

With all that in place, it's a short logical step to this rule: "don't engage with people because all they do is hurt you".

I don't want that any more.

And I also wonder if the people telling me these things are so hurt, or so unwilling to accept that they do hurt others/me, that it's easier to make it all my problem of over-sensitivity. AND, of course, this logic requires that I accept my part and wonder if perhaps, just perhaps, there's some truth in what people have been telling me for a while too. Perhaps, just perhaps, I can toughen up by showing my sensitivity, and perhaps, just perhaps, I can also stay with people who I've hurt. I don't suppose people really set out to hurt one another.....and we do hurt each other, from time to time. Best to clear it up.

Which means I'm going to have to take being hurt, not make myself the victim, and let people know when they have hurt me. And I expect other people to do the same with me.

Slow breaths

J
x

Sounds familiar!

A poem by Roger McGough:

The leader

I wanna be the leader
I wanna be the leader
Can I be the leader?
Can I? I can?
Promise? Promise?
Yippee, I'm the leader
I'm the leader

OK what shall we do?

Ah well

Yesterday, and more often than not, I am in a confusion over what this leadership stuff is all about. What am I doing it for? Is it making any difference? Am I behaving any differently (in a positive sense)? I experience all the same old frustrations and anger and conflicts and, if anything, feel them more strongly when they do show up (and no, I don't expect them to disappear as a result of the training). Am I making the most of a lot of money? What am I doing?!

And then, other days, I relax, and feel much more free about the whole thing. And does this have anything to do with the leadership training? I don't know.

I just don't know.

Feeling a little glum about that.

Love
x

A new recipe for happiness

Ingredients:

1 level kilo of green water
258 metric pounds of Clotted Cement
A pinch of Gail Porter's bottom
Three slices of pickled vinegar
A dash of 60 metres
A gurgle of stomach
A whizz of flour
96 rude words
and
a grape

METHOD:
Combine the water and cement, being careful to avoid using the vinegar at all. Place the flour in your stomach, then dash 60 metres for as long as it takes. Embarass the grape then throw it all away. Simply pinch the bottom, sit back, relax and enjoy.

Happy baking.

With love.