Sitting in the middle of the mess and thinking (too much)

Here's a great phrase from my MBTI training, that I apply to this post:

This is an explanation, not an excuse.

Aside from that, this is my stuff - I am owning this.

For most of my life (with a glorious exception of two wonderful years, and some moments outside then) I've been reluctant to express me, what I want and what I feel, particularly when it's anger, frustration or things that typically people don't like to hear about. If you want reasons, look at my lid - I'm awkward, clumsy and don't fit in, I hurt and upset people, so I will be alone and I will be abused, attacked etc (yes, yucky, liddish, victim stuff).

So when I do express myself in adverse situations it takes me a lot of effort, and can be messy or unpredictable (eccentric, right?). I mean physical and mental effort - I expressed myself fully in several contexts recently - and I've been lying awake since 5 o'clock this morning wondering whether it's acceptable, and wondering what the responses I am receiving actually mean. And now I'm tired of trying to figure out what people mean. I'm tired of trying to figure out what others are making up about me or my motivations on the back of my communication. I'm tired of having to work so hard at trying to make myself understood. I'm tired, generally, actually, and my inclination is to just say , FFFF it, why bother? And there's where my victim gremlin (called Hangdog) comes in.

AND I WILL NOT STOP. I've had enough of not speaking for me, it doesn't help me, and I'm not going back there. I will own what is my stuff, and try not to worry about what is other people's. And I ask for your patience, your help and your clarity with me while I practice this.

I guess everyone's mind is wired so differently that it's a miracle we can understand directions to the post office, let alone talk about deep feelings without utter confusion from the minute anyone opens their mouth or keyboard.

Not knowing

x