As Benjamin said

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Wise man.
Love
J
x

Oh, not feeling all that Christmassy

Elly and I were married in July this year. Six months on, and the wedding photographer still hasn't provided us with our album. Well, that's not entirely true, he did, and they were the wrong photos, with a weird, soft focus. So we had to send them back.

Elly and I are both vegetarian. My parents are staying for Christmas and want their roast turkey.

Talk about forces for homoeostasis. (Well, forces for anger, frustration and throwing my hands up in despair and screaming SOD THE LOT OF YOU, WHY F****** BOTHER?)

Leadership would be so easy if it wasn't for that fact that the world is filled with other people.

And of course, other people never do what they say they will, or when they do it it's just plain wrong.

Which proves that everyone else in the world (apart from me) is bad, evil, wrong and dangerous. Whereas, of course, I am good, pure, right and virtuous, all the time.

OW!.......and Elly wants you to know that she is also good, pure, right and virtuous.

Good grief I love being in the box.

Merry Christmas!

Love
J
x

Moment

Moment - noun - the turning effect produced by a force acting at a distance on an object
Moment - noun - an exact or particular point in time

Funny, the key to leadership seems to lie in being in the moment.

Hohoho and other pseudo-intellectual chuckles

Peaceful moments to us all

Love

J
x

Odd times

Sometimes, when going through shintaido, I can really feel my hands - all cool and tingling - just like in T'ai Chi. And sometimes, when stretching I can really feel parts of my body waking up and breathing deep. And sometimes, I can feel nothing at all.

What a mix.

J
x

Let it be what it is

If I can't connect to me
no amount of wishful thinking will ever connect me to you
If I can't connect to this moment
I will never experience the moment I desire

I will be forever gazing just upstream
peering around the next turn of the river
searching the mist for the clear pool of water
grasping at the droplets that hang in the air
never realising that I am
standing in the pool
that laps at my feet,
while clear rain falls all around
soaking me to the skin

If we would only stop and notice it
we are here
and now
there is nothing else
this is the moment
this is what we desire
there is nothing else

You carry a basket of fresh-baked bread...

Well, you know what...?

Tired is the word that keeps coming back to me. I've been delivering workshops last week, getting into all manner of crap hotels, not sleeping well and generally too busy to not be busy without collapsing, if you see what I mean. Even actually, if you don't.

The group call was strangely frustrating - comfortable, amicable and slightly unsatisfying. Do I know what I want instead? No. But then, space first, particles second. I remembered the Moroccan Lounge meeting, get the space right and the particles slide into place - we edged towards a sense of communal identity in those minutes. Seems different these days. Feels like old-fashioned telephone calls to me. Feels...pleasant and bland. In fact, in these crazy days, perhaps more than ever when leadership and real connection would be most helpful, I find myself withdrawing, making less time for me and others and getting my head down to get through the times in one piece.

Am wondering about the point of all this leadership stuff...asking, "so what?" And often getting annoyed and angry with it....so something must be going on! The dip? What is running me? Where am I trying to look good? What am I taking so seriously?

Forming - storming - norming - performing - going tribal? I think as a tribe we're kidding ourselves somehow....perhaps the Guru Macaroon has infiltrated the tribe space and is making us take it all very seriously? Or not seriously enough. Perhaps it's all made up anyway? Not sure what that means either. And it may be just me. Messy, innit?

Good.
Gloves

J
x

Some thoughts from a rather sad place

I remembered earlier today that people really do put their hearts into loving the people around them. It's just that it's too easy to lose track of that among all the stuff we tell ourselves about ourselves and each other. I feel sad about that. Sometimes I really miss the intimacy of knowing that underneath all that thinking, we truly love each other.

Here's one of my poems:


Somewhere under all of this…

Somewhere under all this thought
there is the truth of where I am
the sense of what I am feeling
the natural, uncluttered me.

Somewhere under all these words
there is the feeling
the sentiment of what I have to say
that speaks from the real me.

Somewhere under all your listening
there is the truth of where you are
the sense of what you are feeling
the natural uncluttered you.

Somewhere under all our thought
under all our trying
to understand, to communicate, to love
our real selves are doing just that.

If only we could let them be
without breaking in and disrupting
with all our thinking and trying.
How much simpler it would be
for me to show you
how much I love you
How my life is in your veins
How close I would hold your heart
How I would sing for you
Knowing, that somewhere
under this blanket of thinking
your heart hears and sings along.

c JM Feb '04


And here are some thoughts I came across today.

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is not complete" The B-man (Buddha, that is)

"We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are" The Talmud

"Don't just do something! Sit there!" Thich Nhat Hanh

oooo, the kraken wakes...

Growl.

Growl.

Snort.

Dribble.


YAAARRRGGGHHHHH.

Ahem.

Love

Me
x

Leadership and making stuff up

Leadership and self deception.

Good grief, we don't see clearly when we're in the box, under a lid, under a gremlin attack, or thinking too hard.

Mea culpa. Apologies.

Don't you just hate it when a book gets things right?

Love

Sitting in the middle of the mess and thinking (too much)

Here's a great phrase from my MBTI training, that I apply to this post:

This is an explanation, not an excuse.

Aside from that, this is my stuff - I am owning this.

For most of my life (with a glorious exception of two wonderful years, and some moments outside then) I've been reluctant to express me, what I want and what I feel, particularly when it's anger, frustration or things that typically people don't like to hear about. If you want reasons, look at my lid - I'm awkward, clumsy and don't fit in, I hurt and upset people, so I will be alone and I will be abused, attacked etc (yes, yucky, liddish, victim stuff).

So when I do express myself in adverse situations it takes me a lot of effort, and can be messy or unpredictable (eccentric, right?). I mean physical and mental effort - I expressed myself fully in several contexts recently - and I've been lying awake since 5 o'clock this morning wondering whether it's acceptable, and wondering what the responses I am receiving actually mean. And now I'm tired of trying to figure out what people mean. I'm tired of trying to figure out what others are making up about me or my motivations on the back of my communication. I'm tired of having to work so hard at trying to make myself understood. I'm tired, generally, actually, and my inclination is to just say , FFFF it, why bother? And there's where my victim gremlin (called Hangdog) comes in.

AND I WILL NOT STOP. I've had enough of not speaking for me, it doesn't help me, and I'm not going back there. I will own what is my stuff, and try not to worry about what is other people's. And I ask for your patience, your help and your clarity with me while I practice this.

I guess everyone's mind is wired so differently that it's a miracle we can understand directions to the post office, let alone talk about deep feelings without utter confusion from the minute anyone opens their mouth or keyboard.

Not knowing

x