Mr Why?s Guy

These are names for me: trickster, genius, idiot, eccentric, useless, beautiful, poet, ENFP, Jamie (all these things and many more...)

The names I give myself (even the negative ones) help me to understand an aspect of myself and provide an explanation for why I might feel or behave in that way or this way. Something similar happens in therapy or self-analysis "I feel like this because these things happened to me and I am like this". I like to think that these "reasons why" open up a pathway for legitimising my feelings and behaviours and help me to find compassion for myself, for example, "I'm allowed to feel like this because I am an eccentric".

HANG ON! I just noticed that this is based on a deeper, entirely shitty, notion that somehow I need to legitimise my feelings and behaviours - to prove (mostly to myself, I guess) that underneath it all, I'm still an OK kind of guy. WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! Finding such justifications, and asking "why?" keeps me doing endless intellectual thinking loops - I mean my gremlin can't get enough of me trying to justify or explain myself.

So, how about this as an alternative - wherever I am, however I am, I am just fine - perfect even. I am perfectly and exquisitely me. There ain't nobody else like me! All the analysing, asking why, finding labels and explaining is unnecessary, I don't need to understand or think so much and I get to love being naturally me. I even get to surprise myself with how I be and what I do.

Wow, the relief of ending up there.

And heart breaks like a storm

In the vicious assault of chaotic,

endless thinkingthinkingthinking

there are

always

flowers

around you

Beautiful things remain,

these flowers in the North.

You

Me

Us

Slowly slowly

Do one thing at a time.

Be compassionate and peaceful towards yourself.

Don't believe the gremlin.

SLOW DOWN.

Stop thinking.

Let things happen, rather than try to make them happen.

And then one day,

the fruit tree will grow,

where the thorn bush used to choke.

Kinda puts things in perspective

A friend of mine has Multiple Sclerosis.
They just started emerging from their shell and then wham, there it is.
Makes you think, doesn't it.

Comma comma

I am tired (very) and rather disappointed today.

The workshop in Stavanger was fine and we did good work.

And, from a tired and rather down perspective, I felt as though (good as it was to work with M+L) I was delivering as I always deliver. Which is pretty good, really, and ironically, I feel pretty crappy about that. I almost think it went too smoothly. I guess I feel I have rather blah-ed the process. Having said that, I am tired and down today as well.

On the personal side, the greatest moment of being moved was when Lilliann's step-mum told us a story of some work she had done with a disturbed child at school. Maybe this was the point of the trip to Norway. To know that there are people in the world, like Annalise, who have so much love and courage that even when others are cruel and horrid, they can look at them and find the piece of perfection. I long to be so strong and loving - perhaps wit myself first.

Odd days.

Ink splodges on the page

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye,

Here I go on my way etc etc.

Ah, Vera Lynn, what a stunning voice for leadership learning. Ahem.

ANNNNYWAYYY

Off to Stavanger with Margaret and Lilliann tomorrow.

Will be cool.

Strange times, deep processes, confusing ones, and the battle with isolation continues.

Like being in the middle of a Breughel painting.

Chaos - neat, huh?

Love

J