Talking Sticks

It's been a while

2006-10-09T02:51:00.000-07:00

And so things move along.
Not surprising, I suppose, that the more my activities come from the heart of me and what I want to be doing in the world, the more 'out on a limb' it feels. Exposure and all that. Of course, I'm not terribly keen on using that as an excuse, but it's there..."tread softly, for you tread on my dreams" and all that. So, still playing at remaining attached in the sense of knowing that this work comes from me and is what I'm about and so on, without being so attached that it becomes devastating when someone maybe isn't so keen. So, maybe it'll take a lifetime of practice, that one, but at least these days I'm prepared to lay my dreams at people's feet! (Let's hope they washed first).
Thanks, Pippi.
Love
J
x

Dhammapada

2006-08-12T03:03:00.000-07:00

"One should first establish oneself
in what is proper
then only should one instruct others.
Thus the wise man
will not be reproached.

One should do
what one teaches others to do;
if one would train others,
one should be well controlled oneself.
Difficult indeed, is self control."

By Gumbo, that Buddha was a sharp cookie.

Here's the debate of that one - when does one start? When fully enlightened? Or when just a little bit more or differently enlightened than the people one is working with?!

I don't expect myself to be bang on the money right from the get go, as I know in working with others, there is much to be learned about myself, and what I don't want to teach is how to do stuff wrong and with all the faults I have.

Perhaps it's enough to trust the judgment of the others...

THink think

Good grief, what was that?

2006-07-15T05:06:00.000-07:00

How blessed we are to be alive.
The only thing I keep remembering is that I keep forgetting that.
OHHHH the irony of it.

Is it about you, me or the space? It's all about me, ducky, of course!

How much pain I cause myself just by the way I think. I think things are real, then act as if they are, reinforce what I think is real, those things appear to be that way all the time and then it and I get rigid...particularly across the shoulders and neck.

What if we are the key to peace.

How can things be peaceful if I am not peaceful? If the only thing over which I imagine I have control is me - how about I start building peace from within?

That's my work.

With love

J
x

What is?

2006-07-04T02:27:00.000-07:00

There are several things I could be doing.
I feel scattered by these things
House, garden, leadership, the Work, Project, earning a living
are these really different?
How is being scattered really helping?

The space wants simplicity - or is that me - or both of us?
Things may or may not be complex - but simply being with what is makes even complexity simple.
Where is this going?
Here
I suppose
Ramble
Ramble

Can zen come creeping?

2006-07-02T03:40:00.000-07:00

If you see the Buddha, kill him - Zen Koan

I am delighted to be bombarded with examples of how reality is an illusion, a fabrication and delusion that separates us from what is. In fact, is my delight just an attachment?

Anyway, reality is an illusion, perception is reality, the very notion of reality is an illusion and takes us away from a moment.

This one

This one

t
h
i
s

o

n

e

and what takes us way from this moment is that we are reading these letters and thinking we know what they mean. They are pixels, perhaps.

What release to realise that the only thing that gives form to particles is the space between them.

that moment was written in white, between those lines.

Did you mistake the space for emptiness and rush to the next particles?

The most profound book in the world is written in white on a white page.

Oh, this is FUN

Sustainable leadership

2006-06-29T02:18:00.000-07:00

What if
leadership is natural?
What if
you being you is your spirit walking?
What if
community is support and challenge?
What if
money is for sustenance?

What if
confusion is spirit's way of telling us to stop thinking
What if
the simpler truth is always there
What if
we remembered to see it

What if
we stop to smell the roses
while they are still here to smell?

well, here we are

2006-06-24T02:55:00.000-07:00

Finally, I'm back!
The office conversion is as done as it's going to be, the computers are moved, the world returns to something like normality and I can find space to be me a little more, rather than a walking/talking plumbing, electrician, decorator, carpet fitting carpenter.
Although it drives me to distraction not having all the right tools and so on, there's something very pleasing about being able to say - there, I did that. Particularly because to get a tradesman to do the work costs a fortune and never ends up how you want it anyway!
Simple pleasures. Oh yes, and the other stuff.

Leadership, hrmm. Wil be rengaging soon.
The new office feels wonderfully renewing.
Times shift.
Things move.
Love
J
x

A while ago

2006-06-11T04:01:00.000-07:00

I remembered I had a blog.
Well, life rolls on.
Leadership projects.
Workshops.
Morning rituals.
Too many train journeys.
Painting.
Not enough writing.
Fitting radiators (I know, bizarre, isn;t it).

Write down the first five words that you think of when you read EACH of the following:

Leadership

Project

Question

Right

Wrong

Purpose

And then see what a complex world of imagination you live in.

Let go.

Love

Strange times

2006-06-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

I know on retreat we were playing with space and time but does that mean everything now should take fifteen times as long as it used to? If we don;t finsih this mini-conversion project soon I shall scream.

Anyway.

Leadership project a-brewing. It involves (of course) bringing together the perfection of human spirit and also environmental/natural world. These are two fields that have lain together in my work life for a while, and most of the time I've been wanting to ditch the environment and work with the people bit. but the environmental side just will not leave me alone. So the next quest is how to bring them together...I have so many ideas, some of which are even related, that if I can find a path along with them, I'll be delighted.

I've given up on the notion of finding the right idea and am open to the idea that maybe it just takes me to tie together all the ideas that keep coming back and see what emerges. Just start something, I suppose.

Also determined that it must make me money - to live on, otherwise is not sustainable and what kind of a Bigger Game is that. (Sue and I went on the Bigger Game a few years ago, it makes mpore sense now than it did then!).

Anyway - simplicity and complexity, nature, letting go, beauty, perfection of self and damned well saving the planet - those are the themes. let's see where we go.

I know I will need co-players for this one, too.

Love
J
x

Plain old fashioned making-wrong rant

2006-06-01T03:37:00.000-07:00

How I despise the magazine of the UK's HR profession: I've seldom read such a greater collation of inhuman, utilitarian, intellectualising, pontificating, over-complicating, pedantic rubbish. And this criticism is from a dyed-in-the-wool inhuman, utilitarian, intellectualising, pontificating, complicating pedant.

Vile, utterly vile, pernicious and poisonous.

People spend a third to a half of their waking life at work. So it is time that workplaces realise they are not engaged in making money or satisfying shareholders but in allowing people to lead fulfilling and 'meaningful' lives...or in most cases preventing or ignoring that.

Seeds of a project?

Level playing field

2006-05-31T06:32:00.000-07:00

I saw a documentary about Yusuf Islam / Cat Stevens today - very interesting: his humility, creativity and peacefulness. All that and a big beard as well.

His journey is an interesting one - finding his metier in music, then moving on another step and giving up music for many years, then having found what he was after in Islam, rediscovering his music because his son had brought a guitar back into the house and it was lying around.

I take several things from this:
The journey is the destination.
The 'universe' has a sense of simple humour.
All we do is continually return to the simple truth that was there in us all along but that we thought was "so simple it couldn't be that". But each time we return, we get there with more richness and bring a newer, deeper, more peaceful level of commitment.

I also take a personal sadness that at the moment I don't see what course of action or endeavour my purpose takes me to.

Is that my purpose, or just words that cropped up in a goldfish bowl in Spain?
What if there is no purpose and the question is all there is?
What if all meaning falls away?
All I am left with are the simple acts of living and the birds in the garden.
And sometimes I think that is more than enough.

Occasionally, wisdom is found in very odd places.

Think I'll go listen to Peacetrain.

Love
MD

Somethings are falling into place

2006-05-25T03:11:00.000-07:00

We get so attached to thinking we need to know what's coming next in order to cope with it, that we miss the the blindingly obvious things that are here, tap-dancing on the table in front of us, right now. And then, no sooner do we notice that we missed those things, than the thing that was coming next has flown gracefully way past our head and landed in our soup. In the surprise of that moment we lurch about, kicking over the table and making a terrible mess of the restaurant.

Humans, pah, we're all the same.

That's the bubble - it's all about me, my survival and my soup - and guess what - it just doesn't work. Even trying to understand what's outside the bubble, when we're in the bubble, doesn't work. What we get is the distorted image of something bubble-coloured flying towards our soup.
And in our wisdom, when we realise this, we might just think about that some more, work on why the bubble is there, deepen our understanding of the bubble, contemplate the inside of the bubble, polish it up a little more, add a few more layers of thought to the inside of it and then have a tentative prod at breaking through it. And when that goes strangely not-quite-right, we then return to the bubble, think about it some more and so on into Arcus waypastitsbedtimus.

Nope, the more you pay attention to the bubble, the stronger and more bubbly it becomes. It's like trying to break out of being judgmental by deciding that it is bad, wrong, evil and smelly.

So. Here is the thing that makes my bubble disappear, the line - 'it's really not about me any more'. That line is a recognition that there is something far more compelling and much greater than each of us out there. That there is something that doesn't politely cough and request we pay attention, but that stamps it's feet and demands our presence and effort. Not because that bubble we are in is wrong, but because in the face of all this realisation, it is an utter irrelevance.

And when, finally, we let go of the struggling, of the endless torturing ourself to find meaning and understanding in our bubble, there is a moment of such startling clarity and peace as we've never experienced before.
In those moments, wherever we are, whatever we are doing, we are changing the world.

And guess what, that thing flying into your soup was crouton all the time. See, nice place to be, the Universe.

I was born at this moment in history to have people realise the utterly captivating absurdity of our worlds and so realise a deeper truth - the absolute and unquestionable perfection of the human spirit.

Oh dear God has it come to this

2006-05-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

"Do not try to bend the spoon, that is impossible, instead, simply try to see that there is no spoon"

Mr Why?s Guy

2006-04-27T02:40:00.000-07:00

These are names for me: trickster, genius, idiot, eccentric, useless, beautiful, poet, ENFP, Jamie (all these things and many more...)

The names I give myself (even the negative ones) help me to understand an aspect of myself and provide an explanation for why I might feel or behave in that way or this way. Something similar happens in therapy or self-analysis "I feel like this because these things happened to me and I am like this". I like to think that these "reasons why" open up a pathway for legitimising my feelings and behaviours and help me to find compassion for myself, for example, "I'm allowed to feel like this because I am an eccentric".

HANG ON! I just noticed that this is based on a deeper, entirely shitty, notion that somehow I need to legitimise my feelings and behaviours - to prove (mostly to myself, I guess) that underneath it all, I'm still an OK kind of guy. WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! Finding such justifications, and asking "why?" keeps me doing endless intellectual thinking loops - I mean my gremlin can't get enough of me trying to justify or explain myself.

So, how about this as an alternative - wherever I am, however I am, I am just fine - perfect even. I am perfectly and exquisitely me. There ain't nobody else like me! All the analysing, asking why, finding labels and explaining is unnecessary, I don't need to understand or think so much and I get to love being naturally me. I even get to surprise myself with how I be and what I do.

Wow, the relief of ending up there.

And heart breaks like a storm

2006-04-26T03:45:00.000-07:00

In the vicious assault of chaotic,

endless thinkingthinkingthinking

there are

always

flowers

around you

Beautiful things remain,

these flowers in the North.

You

Slowly slowly

2006-04-25T06:26:00.000-07:00

Do one thing at a time.

Be compassionate and peaceful towards yourself.

Don't believe the gremlin.

SLOW DOWN.

Stop thinking.

Let things happen, rather than try to make them happen.

And then one day,

the fruit tree will grow,

where the thorn bush used to choke.

Kinda puts things in perspective

2006-04-18T02:31:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine has Multiple Sclerosis.
They just started emerging from their shell and then wham, there it is.
Makes you think, doesn't it.

Comma comma

2006-04-09T03:09:00.000-07:00

I am tired (very) and rather disappointed today.

The workshop in Stavanger was fine and we did good work.

And, from a tired and rather down perspective, I felt as though (good as it was to work with M+L) I was delivering as I always deliver. Which is pretty good, really, and ironically, I feel pretty crappy about that. I almost think it went too smoothly. I guess I feel I have rather blah-ed the process. Having said that, I am tired and down today as well.

On the personal side, the greatest moment of being moved was when Lilliann's step-mum told us a story of some work she had done with a disturbed child at school. Maybe this was the point of the trip to Norway. To know that there are people in the world, like Annalise, who have so much love and courage that even when others are cruel and horrid, they can look at them and find the piece of perfection. I long to be so strong and loving - perhaps wit myself first.

Odd days.

Ink splodges on the page

2006-04-04T09:42:00.000-07:00

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye,

Here I go on my way etc etc.

Ah, Vera Lynn, what a stunning voice for leadership learning. Ahem.

ANNNNYWAYYY

Off to Stavanger with Margaret and Lilliann tomorrow.

Will be cool.

Strange times, deep processes, confusing ones, and the battle with isolation continues.

Like being in the middle of a Breughel painting.

Chaos - neat, huh?

Love

Wings

2006-03-31T09:33:00.000-08:00

I rediscovered this song when looking for quotes and so on for the Corporate Grail. It's beautiful and sad and...well...it is what it is....enjoy

With love

Wings - by Brian Bedford

I could have been a giant said the bonsai tree

But someone bound my roots and held me down

I could have reached for heaven said the snowy owl

But they clipped my wings and kept me on the ground

I think I heard them tell me that they love me

And care for me, without them I would die

Oh but what's the use of roots if you can't spread them

And what's the use of wings if you can't fly

I could have been a singer said the mynah bird

But they caged me and they told me what to say

I could have run forever said the pony

But they bridled me and made me go their way

I think I heard them tell me that they love me

And care for me forever, so it seems

Oh but what's the use of voices without freedom

And what's the use of living other's dreams

Why do people cage the things they love the most

Is it simply that they fear to be alone

If you give your love its freedom it may stay a while

If it leaves you it was never yours to own

I could have found adventure said the angel fish

Now my world's so small there's nowhere left to go

I could have ruled a kingdom said the lion

Now the land inside my head is all I know

I think I heard them tell me that they love me

And care for me, and tell me it's alright

Oh but what's the use of life without adventure

And what's the use of strength if you can't fight

Why do people cage the things they love the most

Is it simply that they fear to be alone

If you give your love its freedom it may stay a while

If it leaves you it was never yours to own

Stories

2006-03-30T01:50:00.000-08:00

I spent a number of years working in organisations. During those times I was spending HALF OF MY WAKING LIFE doing things that meant nothing to me. In environments that passively discouraged thinking differently, emotional engagement or creativity. In those years I spent half of my life shutting down the best parts of me. Towards the end of that time I was off work ill for the best part of two months because I couldn't think straight. I couldn't face going back to work at that last place. I really could not bring myself to get out of bed to go there. Working like that was a complete mess: a disaster, a soul destroying process.

Looking back, I wonder what part of my heart would really have ever cared if an insect could overwinter under UK field conditions (curiosuly, that's what I spent my doctorate researching). What part of my soul was uplifted by advising people to use X or Y pesticide, or even more spiritually, filling in application forms for approval of chemicals on behalf of organisations who were so bored at the idea of doing it themselves that they would rather pay someone else to do it. It was, for a time, intellectually flattering, I got a degree, a PhD, published scientific papers, wrote articles for the trade press, and slowly shut down more and more of myself.

I do not want anyone to ever work like that.

I want people to engage in what they do for half of their lives (and the other half as well, of course!), with all of their heart, their soul and spirit.

I want people to get out of bed in the morning, even in the most awful times and know that every single emotion, particle and space of them is absolutely welcome, loved and cherished by the people that surround them at work, at home and anywhere else. ALL of them.

THAT is the kind of organisation I want to create, anything else seems like failing myself.

Funny, I was crying as I wrote this. These things never really leave us, do they?

In praise of stakes - however they are cooked

2006-03-29T06:57:00.000-08:00

Elly and I work together in our own small coaching and development business. We have no other source of income. We can’t easily afford for me to be on the leadership programme and money is tight. I want to create something as effective as possible that I can engage with with all my heart and passion and with as many swans as possible. That is where the most possibility and creation lies – think of what we might build together. AND I want to create something soon, something that is cash generating. AND I want my heart in it. THAT combination would have leadership and all the learning in it be part of my life, and not just be a few happy weeks in Spain.

Without a stake we could have the best boat in the world and all be rowing furiously, and still spend our time going around in circles, or rapidly and exhaustingly going nowhere. To be effective, we need a compass…swans migrating in different directions all look lovely, and there may be some very attractive clusters that develop. The real WOW impact comes from watching a larger number of birds flying together because it’s time to fly South or North. We need a compass...that's what the stake is…our orientation as leaders. And there are swans with different speeds and different characters and different skills – held in the same tribe, flying in the same direction.

Creating a stake is NOT about ego-satisfaction (though who says that’s bad all the time, anyway?). It is simply about being as effective as we can be in service of something else (including ourselves). Compare an organisation with people in it that share a sense of purpose and stake, with one that has every other characteristic but lacks a stake, and I know which will be more effective, create the impact it desires and which will be most compelling and last longer. Value is created from the heart (sound familiar?).

Management is efficiency in climbing the ladder of success; leadership determines whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall. - Steven Covey.

Finding the right wall is what creating a stake is. It enables us to find passion, to lean in and get the best from each other in service of something else. Where is the possibility to lean in if we have no idea what we’re leaning in to? How would we know who to lean in to? Without a stake we can’t lean in sustainably or with as much scope for calling forth; in short we would not be as effective as we could be.

That would not be the combination I want.

AH well

2006-03-28T09:09:00.000-08:00

What do I want to say?
I don't want to stop.
And I'm very tired.

I get frustrated.
Smiles

Just that

2006-03-26T03:17:00.000-08:00

Meditation does not look a certain way.

It is not about moving towards or away.

It is not about understanding.

It is about connecting with what is.
Just that.

If we can connect with what is.
Just that.
And no more.
Then fear, desire, meaning and time fall away.

And we are left with?
The space between our particles.
The space between the particles of everything else.
And the spirit in between the space.

Beliefs are just opinions we get attached to.
I am not my particles, I am not my space.
You are not your particles or your space.
We live in a web of ideas.

Just that.

Haka

2006-03-23T02:03:00.000-08:00

I am Mountain Diver and I speak from my heart.

Part of my purpose is to stir deeper water, shake up the sediment at the bottom of the lake. The call last night has called me to that again - so thank you, Swans, I actually felt excited and frustrated at the end of the call - YAY!

I love the notion of doing something large as a tribe. And right now I don't care what format it is. The only thing I can commit to is a co-created tribal stake. Without this, any format is meaningless and purposeless for me. Without a tribal stake we are a lovely group of individuals lacking any synergy, common purpose or direction.

The notion that "maybe we're not ready to talk about what our stake is" is crap.

Have we forgotten what the past six months of leadership have been all about? That's what we've been doing the whole time. How did we find the stakes for our workshops? By talking about what we are passionate about - and using all the 'create from self' and 'create from other' learning we've spent all our money on. Dammit, it works.

Remember Henry shouting at us in the last community meeting in Sitges? I don't care what your head says, I don't care if you want to 'talk about' it - I want to short-circuit out all the level 1 crap and get to the juicy, alive, compelling sense of passion that we all have spent two retreats getting in touch with.

I don't expect an easy or quick answer, I don't want people to speculate about what the tribal stake is yet, I expect people to state their personal answer with passion (lifeboat time), and to build on, blend and lead, break and give and damn well create from other and self until we have that ringing moment of beautiful clarity - OUR STAKE.

Another thing - voting - I remember another Henry and Karen rebuke for the tribe - "who fucking cares if you agree or not?" The agenda here is to create something together, not to vote on what has gone before. (I really like this one because it means I don't care if you agree with this mail, because you have to build with it - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA).

Here is my starting point:

I will fight for people to be at peace with all of themselves; the dreadful shadow, light shadow and persona. I believe that the only way to inner and outer peace is for people to be compassionate towards and to celebrate that we are all as awful AND as god-like as everyone else in the world. Only when we can accept all of ourselves will we stop projecting all our shit and fear onto others. That is the only way to stop abuse, bullying, cruelty and war.

I will fight for that, and I want to fight alongside my tribe.

That's my haka to you - what's your response?

What, Swans, will you fight for?

I am Mountain Diver, and these are the words of my heart

Far from Mountain Diver

2006-03-21T03:34:00.000-08:00

Why would one or two people want to come around the back of our house, break one window, climb onto the roof and throw stones at another (one that didn't break)?

Saturday evening we went out, came back and found the results on Sunday morning. So, Sunday and Monday were spent sorting things out. We have people coming to mend and assess the damage today and tomorrow and while it's not bad damage, it upsets me quite a lot. Of course, we don't want to start trying to analyse why, because we're sure we could drive ourselves crazy doing that. And...

So, because of someone else's stupidity we're down over £100 and one insurance no-claims bonus. I suddenly feel the need to make them very, very wrong - and a little poorer. Of course, we have no idea who it was and why.

I find it difficult, it's so petty and stupid a crime, yet I feel such anger and confusion. Still...breathe and forgive (whoever the hell it is I'm supposed to forgive)..ahem.

With love

Hrmmm

2006-03-17T08:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back.
Slightly less angry.
Lots more tired.
And generally dazed.

Where, oh where, is my tea?
I had a cup feel here a minute ago.
And now it's gone.
How profoundly disappointing
to lift the cup to your lips
and find that you've already drunk it all.

What a metaphor.

Bugger significance, I want another cup

Love

J
x

Storm warning

2006-03-14T04:22:00.000-08:00

Good God, I'm pissed off today. And naturally I am right and the rest of the damned world is wrong. So I'm angry and I'm afraid you cop for it.

What's the point, in me keeping this blog together? Nobody else does. Apparently, all these people read it. Apparently it helps people feel connected with me - well it doesn't help me feel connected with any of you if there's nothing coming back. You want to connect? For C's sake talk to me...please...I need to know you are there.

For example; what will you fight for? How many times do I have to ask a question to get an answer out of a swan? What about leaning in, for C's sake?

And workshops - how come I'm suddenly feeling as though there's not enough time in the day to do what I need to do to earn a living, because I'm doing workshop stuff, doing everything for everyone else, AND blogging so mute people can feel connected (HAH!).

Well, I've had enough. I'm going away for a couple of days - to deliver a workshop that will actually earn some money and feed us for a while. In those two days, everything else can just ffff off.

Poetry

2006-03-13T01:40:00.000-08:00

I was at a workshop at a local college on Saturday - about poetry - what fun.

So, I want to create a workshop using words as soul-food.

Could be poems, could be prose.

Poetry - expression of the experience of now, of emotion, of spirit.

If you want to co-create, let's do that get in touch.

Love

Some important things to remember

2006-03-10T03:31:00.000-08:00

Breathe (in AND out).

Try not to put legs into the sleeves of your jumper.

Try not to put head into sleeves.

Try not to put sleeves on wrong arms.

Socks THEN shoes.

Cheese tastes nicer out of the wrapper.

Waking up before blogging would be a good idea.

I'm going for a massage later - yum.

And a poetry workshop tomorrow - yum, too.

Who said workshops had to be hard work?

Love (important one, that).

Happy Birthday to ME!

2006-03-08T03:34:00.000-08:00

Rather neatly, it's my birthday today, and yesterday I completed the ninth day of a nine-day process for claiming my Name. The task was to write and sing a song based on the mantra of my name which you may have noticed a little while ago. Neat timing that I should finish that process and then have my birthday...here's the song. Because of the oddness of writing in blogger, each new verse begins with a line in bold text.

Mountain Diving (Sung to (something like) the tune of ‘Spacesuits’ by David Roth)

The purpose of this song’s to claim the name I’ve found more deeply
to grab its sense of purpose and to lock it deep inside
to make heart and head and every cell sigh with recognition
as they catch up with the rest of me, with Mountain Diver as the guide.

Well, it took a while to get here through my trials and tribulations
from countless opportunities to stay bottled-up inside,
to a second playful childhood using reverence and laughter
to slacken stays and let me play in both the dark and light.

And what’s the point of living life by shrinking in the shadows
lurking in the undergrowth and seldom creeping out?
When we could fly up to the mountaintop and sweep away the clouds there?
Or just dive down straight into the lake, living life without a doubt.

And with the sounds of life a-ticking and a-tocking in the background
we’ll feel the tears and dream the dreams that everywhere abound.
There’s no place to hide from life itself no matter how you try now,
so question all your thinking and get your feet back off the ground.

Now you'll have noticed in this song a kookie, quirky combination
of devotion to emotion and to staying light yet deep,
but our spirits delight to exult like this through all of life’s commotions
in dive or flight, by day or night, in waking or in sleep.

Now our artistry and brilliance can no longer be debated
we’re beautiful egomaniacs bringing spirit far and wide.
We could always shrink in modesty but frankly what’s the point, dear?
I'd rather gloat and boast and brag about the spirit deep inside.

Now you may think this egomania a trifle overstated
but when we have a point to make what’s the point in staying small?
So by the time we’ve raged and cried and crazily gesticulated
the greatest and the least of us will have STOPPED…and listened to their soul.

Yes, you may think this sentiment a trifle overstated
but when you have a life to lead what’s the point in playing small?
So by the time you’ve raged and cried and crazily gesticulated,

the greatest and the least of us will have STOPPED………and listened to your soul.

Celebrate today.

Love

Mountain Diver

Something that struck me

2006-03-06T09:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched a few moments of a programme in which Desmond Tutu (and others) were hosting a reconciliation process between former IRA members and the families/friends of those who they had killed / injured.

At one point, an IRA member had been justifying why he had done what he had, and denied any feelings of guilt or remorse. Then, smiling compassionately, Desmond Tutu asked him if he felt he would be able to look God in the eye and say "this is OK". " Of course not", was part of the answer.

What an astounding question to hold to all our conduct and decisions in life.

Could we look God in the eye and say "this is OK"?

Sometimes

2006-03-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

I know I want to say something, to ask for some kind of help, or companionship, because I'm feeling damned low energy and rather down today. Like I got heavy, and grey for some reason. I'm certainly tired and I'm even more sick of all this damned thinking and planning than I have been before!

I realise this state is a big disconnection for me from most people. And funnily enough, it's steady, friendly company I crave. Shit, sometimes I hate where we live, it's stupid to thinkof it as isolated, but then I suppose that's the thing, I could be in a crowd of people, when feeling like this and still be isolated.

Well, time to go swimming - diving, you might say. Bring on the water!

With love

Now, swans, tell me, what will you fight for?

2006-03-03T02:52:00.000-08:00

Read this out loud

For my love

I will fight for you to feel your life.

I will fight your lies about who you think you are.

I will fight for the simple truth of you.

I will fight for the hideous, spitting beast in you.

I will fight for the magnificent, glorious soul you are.

I will fight for you to be you.

And when you doubt yourself

I will fight for you to touch your spirit

and realise

it was always here,

you just kept turning away.

I will fight for how you break my heart.

And now you are here,

I will fight for the tears in your eyes.

I will fight for the splendid glory of your running makeup.

For your tousled hair and muddied dress.

For the music that makes us cry and cling and kiss in joy.

For the dance in your feet.

For the wildness of your hair as you spin.

For the joy in your face as you shriek your life.

For your smile that puts heaven in the shade.

I will fight for your life.

I will fight to love you.

From my heart

2006-03-01T02:48:00.000-08:00

I tell you this will not do.

My wings are aching to take flight.

It does not lie well that we lie easy.

In the days that follow, will your spirit sleep easily, knowing you stayed in the shallow waters?

Knowing you had the chance to spread your wings or glide into the cool water?

And yet we stand by the waters edge, admiring the beauty of it, gazing at it.

How foolish to stand in rapture, praising the beauty of sky and water and not to exult in flying through both.

I tell you now, this will not do.

The real swans fly on, finding new grounds.

The sky is clear and blue and DEMANDS that we fly.

I will not stay on the surface with those who wait and dally.

I crave the pressure of the dark unknown.

Empty shades are all that are available while gazing at the mist over the water.

There is no need to understand, to swim or fly well, or even to like the dive; your spirit knows what it wants.

My place is to be an exultant soul in dive or flight.

My Swans, gazing at the water is not enough.

Either this tribe works together, or it breaks apart and we fly alone.

Either we build our stake and stay with the process or we simply spend time dabbling in the water.

I am Mountain Diver.

Who are you?

What will you fight for?

The sky got clear and blue again

2006-02-28T02:05:00.000-08:00

"One must live the way one thinks, or end up thinking the way one lives" - Paul Bourget

I am Mountain Diver

I am a joyful, playful child

I find reverence and laughter in every moment

I play in dark and light

I am a beautiful and brilliant artist

I am a herald of spirit

My cry stops the world

I bring tears, dreams and questions

I am kookie, spooky, quirky and deep

I am an exultant soul in dive or flight

I am devoted

I have no doubt

I am Mountain Diver

What is your statement of yourself?

Love

Mountain Diver

Distance

2006-02-27T05:55:00.000-08:00

I realised (again, dammit) that much of my interaction is through the mist created by thought, by level 1 and all that made up, carried about, assumed, historical, self-interested chatter. And yet, in some interactions, there is no more prospect of in-to-me-see than there is of the moon turning green and dropping out of the sky into my back garden. So, why bother? Some choices seem cold.

I feel quite cold actually, and a little distant. I wonder if this is the dying way? I prefer the live way, overall.

Well, sometimes I think it would be easier to stay in some kind of monastic, retreat-style life than it is to go back out and try to remember, use and practice all this stuff. Then I could use all that lovely learning. And of course I know that's not the point. And then I get tangled.

The mountain is a little cloudy today, and the water murky.

And my eyebrows are in one place - straight.

Need some words, please.

Love

A story

2006-02-24T03:05:00.000-08:00

Fortunately my heart told me the workshop went very well.
Unfortunately one of the feedback forms absolutely slammed the style.
Fortunately most of them were good and more constructive.
Unfortunately I keep going into a confused loop about whether I did it well could have done better.
Fortunately we set out to shake people up and stretch them.
Unfortunately we did.
Fortunately we did.
Unfortunately I keep getting lost.

Sometimes I put my heart into my work and it hurts when (even unrepresentatively) someone just doesn't get it.

Love

Oy, my life

2006-02-21T02:15:00.000-08:00

I am going away today to deliver two workshops tomorrow and the day after. They are on stress and motivation, and I am delivering them to Universities, I love this workshop, it has a stake in it - "you can choose the alive way or the dead way - which will it be?"

My alive way is in spirit at the moment, and my spirit is in flight. The workshop is my call to the others.

No more needs to be said.

With love and peace

How to...

2006-02-20T01:38:00.000-08:00

...maintain connection with calm, centred, spirit and all that good stuff, while being busy, earning money and so on.

There's the fundamental question.

Let every word be an expression of life.

Let each particle of ink contain your soul.

Pour your spirit into every letter.

Let every word, thought or sound reflect the fullness of the moments of life that it took to make.

Ensure that everything offered is a wish of life and love and soul to the reader.

Every precious second of life is laden with life and spirit.

Whether we notice it or not.

So much stuff

2006-02-19T05:11:00.000-08:00

I'm in a benign and vaguely centred whirlwind of things I want to do. Write stories, poetry, workshops, coaching, chat, be with Elly, walk, oh deary me. What a lot of stuff.

And I miss you all, and the space we had at Almiral. Something very special about being seen (largely) as a human, and having permission to make messes and also to show my heart and mind and spirit, without fear of being perceived as weird or whatever. Or, at least, not caring so much if that does occur!

How many of the demons I fight are of my own creation. Weird, innit.

Life, what a tangled wonderful web

Love

Mountain Diver

2006-02-17T04:17:00.000-08:00

My journalling is getting increasingly, err - trippy one might say, or spiritual. I name myself at the start of each journal entry and then what comes out is a curious combination of longing, my sense of spirit, what I want to share with the world and myself.

I've had a sort of block about getting in touch with that more fey world, because it seemed so aimless or uninterpretable - perhaps my need to understand it? Perhaps to know it consciously. And now what I am finding is that it brings a sense of peace, a deeper sense of knowing, not thinking, that grounds something in me, rather than in what I think should be me.

What's in a name? More than I could have thought. My name has opened and permitted a newer, enriched sense of me. It's like that part of me can be heard and spoken of now.

If you want to hear the call of a Diver (loon) go to ...http://www.learner.org/jnorth/tm/loon/Dictionary.html

And I recommend the WAIL. Imagine being by a lake in the evening, under a great mountain and see if your spirit remains asleep.

New morning

2006-02-16T02:15:00.000-08:00

Something is brewing up.

People are moving and up to things.

Strange time.
What is my fascination with ritual these days?
Mountain Diver.
Hare.
Swan.
Hawk.
Chough.
Raven.
Gull / albatross.

Well, who said these posts had to make sense?

Love

What's in a name?

2006-02-15T06:29:00.000-08:00

Mountain Diver

I want to be greeted by you - leave a comment please. There is a ritual waiting to happen for me too, more on that later.

In my dream, I waved goodbye to the gull and albatross which have been with me for a long time. In meditation, journalling and my dreams the words 'devoted', 'devil', 'duiker', 'dark' and 'dreamer' have all been circulating. When I found the word 'diver' my whole body shivered.

Divers are birds, (family Gaviidae) in N. America they are called loons, in Scandinavia they are called, ~lom (Islom, Smaalom, Gulnnebblom and Storlom). In Dutch: Duiker; German Taucher (Sterntaucher, Eistaucher), in French Plongeur.

They are the birds I always want to see when in the North, they are the first page of the bird books, they are captivating. They are sleek, strong and their colours are perfectly clear and defined. They are devoted partners. I have spent many hours watching them. I find a rare peace and tranquility when swimming underwater. They have some very odd behaviours, dancing on their back legs across the water, rolling onto their side while swimming to preen their feathers and crying out with such eerie noises as to break your heart. The loon's cry is said to be the cry of dead warriors calling to the world, or a dead warrior seeking his beloved.

I then looked into native American traditions; and the diver includes many concepts, the principal ones of which are:

dreaming and awakening spirit

creative inspiration

serenity, peace and tranquility

deep devotion and loyalty

communication and oration

seeming judgmental and unsympathetic

I also include:

unexpectedness

water and flow

The Mountain brings

strength and power

clarity and wisdom

roots and belonging

agelessness

We shall see where my names take me.

Ho.

Return from Sitges...

2006-02-14T04:22:00.000-08:00

Apparently I am lucky to be alive this morning, my snoring was of such a high standard last night that I kept Elly, and the herd of cows in the farm opposite, awake most of the night. Oops.

Well, anyway, yesterday I spent a lovely day with Ana, and we also met with our friend Conchita, spent some time wandering about Sitges, talking, looking around and relaxing.

Ana found a perfect children's book, about a boy who visits his own private sea at night when he gets into bed. And thinking of homecoming and leaving the tribe, this seemed to be the perfect message from it:

"Una noche empecé a perderme en él para siempre. Tuve que pedir ayuda. Hay que tener la cabeza fría cuando estás en situaciones difíciles. A mí no me costó. Llamé a mi padre.

No sé cómo lo hizo para encontrarme pero me gustó descubrir que hasta en los rincones más recónditos hay alguien que te echa una mano. Aunque sean secretos."

Which (apologies to all Spanish speakers) apparently translates to something like:

"One night I began to lose myself in it forever (my private sea). I had to ask for help. It pays to keep a cool head in difficult situations. For me there was nothing to lose. I called out to my father.

I don't know how he came to me, but it was nice to discover that even in the most hidden places, there is always somebody there for you. Even if they are secret."

Be well, be with others, be with me.

Love

Can you guess what kind of week it's been?

2006-02-03T04:49:00.000-08:00

A routine Monday.
A wonderful evening on Tuesday.
A dreadful morning on Wednesday.
A slow and sluggish day Thursday.
A f******g awful day so far today.

I'm an odd combination of despair, anger and weariness.
And I know also that I'll get on and get through.
And right now as I write about this for the first time, it doesn't feel so bad and I can get back in touch with me a wee bit more.

Ah well, chin up, big man.
Thanks for the space.
J
x

And we think this stuff is new?!

2006-01-28T03:54:00.000-08:00

I read this at some friends' wedding and at the time I thought, "how pretty". Today I read it and thought, "how perfect." Anyway, I can't think of a situation where this doesn't apply, but it struck me in relation to calling forth and how, without connection or listening (or love!) it sounds harsh, critical and just like angry noise. Here we go...

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not Love, I am become as sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not Love, I am nothing.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not Love, it profiteth me nothing...

...Love never fails"

Ho

Moved

2006-01-27T03:07:00.000-08:00

Listen to Eva Cassidy's cover of the Paul Simon tune, Kathy's Song - it's beautiful.

Sometimes I have no idea what people are talking about, even though I understand the words.

I love cold weather.

In Gerona after Retreat one, I was sitting on a bench next to the road, in the silent part of the morning ritual. A mother walked by carrying her daughter who was looking over her shoulder. She was the most beautiful little girl, her eyes were so dark you could go swimming in them. I looked at her and she looked at me and I have seldom felt so seen, or felt a smile so deeply.

I get tired of thinking so much.

I hate it when people complain. (Hoho)

"No shit, Sherlock!" Is a phrase that makes me laugh a lot and I love Pieter Breughel's painting, the festival between carnival and lent.

I dislike the normal way of doing things, but do it a lot.

I trust crying now.

Why do we all pretend so much?

Purpose and mission and me

2006-01-26T02:26:00.000-08:00

I can never experience the world because my perception keeps getting in the way of it! Where does my projection end and the world begin? Or yours, for that matter?

Attachment, ego, lack of compassion and judgment arise from the dissonant stuff in my life. They create desire and desire creates suffering. If my stake, my purpose arises from such desire then it will just be an instrument of suffering. Everything I do from that place will be lessened in impact because it is still tangled up in me: it will be like delivering a punch underwater, cutting with a blunt knife, like fighting in a loose robe that tangles the handle of the sword!

So, where do I find my purpose, and how do I stay sufficiently non-attached, sufficiently non-desirous to be able to deliver it? In service? Perhaps, though definitely not if service arises out of feeding or placating something dissonant. Interestingly, even resonant stuff, when tinged with desire and attachment becomes painful. So what is a truly non-attached resonance like? Is it possible at all?! That is the place to look for mission and purpose.

Where does personal development end and leadership start? They don't; they are absolutely and inescapably linked. If the purpose of personal awareness is to expose my dissonant and feed the resonant, then it is always pointing me to a more effective stake and purpose.

Say what you like, I really do think it's a fascinating and deeply meaningful navel.

With love

How interesting!

2006-01-25T05:40:00.000-08:00

Oh dear, look at me getting all angry and aerated and oh, all those things.
Nice to get into a good strop, shout and scream and kick and then settle down.
Feels much lighter now.
If perhaps a bit silly.
And so, peace.
Ahem.
J
x

A request for help

2006-01-24T02:34:00.000-08:00

Has anyone seen my new socks?
I left them in the bedroom last night and now they've gone.
Bugger.

Well, that's a surprise

2006-01-24T02:23:00.000-08:00

Nothing much to say today.
Maybe tomorrow will show
Some pleasing new way to say
nothing.
One that doesn't feel like
a contradiction in terms.

Until then
I'll hang up my pen
(well, keyboard)
and go back to sleep.

ZZZZZ

You

2006-01-19T02:23:00.000-08:00

If I had the royal road to your soul
I would drape your heart all over it
I would line the edge of that path
with memories of when you have been hurt:
the little mirrors that show you glimpses of the rest of you,
that you keep safe: locked in a cage.

Your life sleeps under wraps.
You say you can choose to let it out
But you never do.

Occasionally you take a guest to the cage,
rattle the bars and wake the beast
to remind yourself,
to dazzle the others,
“look, this is the fullness of me!”
“See how I can dance!”
“See how beautiful this is, how I spread my wings!”
But it hurts when your wings clip the cage
So, you put yourself back to sleep.
Cover the cage.
“Best to leave it alone”
“Let it rest for a while”

You say you can choose to let it out
But you never do.

Occasionally you think people glimpse what sleeps in the cage.
That despite the covers they might see through,
without your choice,
without your control.
So you skip gaily around it, spouting nonsense, lying

ever more delicate and artistic covers over it.
The better to hide it,
the better to keep it safe.
But your cage is the most obvious thing in the world;
the dance and the covers transparent.

You say you can choose to let it out

But you never do.

Head emptying

2006-01-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

Good grief.
A week or two
to retreat two
and I haven't learned anything about retreat one yet.
Ahh crap.

Ah well, off to pottery tonight, that'll be fun.
I was thinking about making something for the swans.
Have no idea what, though.

Ponder ponder ponder.

Love

J
x

A poem for your illumination

2006-01-14T03:39:00.000-08:00

The impact I have on other people is...

Chiefly governed by which part of my body I use...

anything from a sort of limp slap
to a cracking right upper cut
from a kinda windy useless flap
to a hefty kick in the butt

Reduce you to a sopping sobbing dribbling mess
with a stinging heartfelt rebuke
or a vitrioloc tirade of hideous abuse
that would make even a deaf man puke

You name it and it happens
It darned difficult to understand
How the impact of my open heart
Is more powerful than that of my hand

Particularly if I throw it really hard...

...SPLAT!

An exercise in emotional logic...

2006-01-10T02:22:00.000-08:00

Something I realised:

I don't let people know how sensitive I am. So here goes: I get hurt deeply and easily.

Here are some things I've been (repeatedly) told by family and friends, and my gremlin, through most of my life:
"You're too sensitive"
"You need to toughen up"
"Give as good as you get"
"Just ignore it / them"
"Show no pain or they'll do it again"
"If you show emotion or talk through tears, people don't listen, then they patronise you and think you're a wimp"

With all that in place, it's a short logical step to this rule: "don't engage with people because all they do is hurt you".

I don't want that any more.

And I also wonder if the people telling me these things are so hurt, or so unwilling to accept that they do hurt others/me, that it's easier to make it all my problem of over-sensitivity. AND, of course, this logic requires that I accept my part and wonder if perhaps, just perhaps, there's some truth in what people have been telling me for a while too. Perhaps, just perhaps, I can toughen up by showing my sensitivity, and perhaps, just perhaps, I can also stay with people who I've hurt. I don't suppose people really set out to hurt one another.....and we do hurt each other, from time to time. Best to clear it up.

Which means I'm going to have to take being hurt, not make myself the victim, and let people know when they have hurt me. And I expect other people to do the same with me.

Slow breaths

J
x

Sounds familiar!

2006-01-09T09:29:00.000-08:00

A poem by Roger McGough:

The leader

I wanna be the leader
I wanna be the leader
Can I be the leader?
Can I? I can?
Promise? Promise?
Yippee, I'm the leader
I'm the leader

OK what shall we do?

Ah well

2006-01-05T02:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, and more often than not, I am in a confusion over what this leadership stuff is all about. What am I doing it for? Is it making any difference? Am I behaving any differently (in a positive sense)? I experience all the same old frustrations and anger and conflicts and, if anything, feel them more strongly when they do show up (and no, I don't expect them to disappear as a result of the training). Am I making the most of a lot of money? What am I doing?!

And then, other days, I relax, and feel much more free about the whole thing. And does this have anything to do with the leadership training? I don't know.

I just don't know.

Feeling a little glum about that.

Love
x

A new recipe for happiness

2006-01-04T03:13:00.000-08:00

Ingredients:

1 level kilo of green water
258 metric pounds of Clotted Cement
A pinch of Gail Porter's bottom
Three slices of pickled vinegar
A dash of 60 metres
A gurgle of stomach
A whizz of flour
96 rude words
and
a grape

METHOD:
Combine the water and cement, being careful to avoid using the vinegar at all. Place the flour in your stomach, then dash 60 metres for as long as it takes. Embarass the grape then throw it all away. Simply pinch the bottom, sit back, relax and enjoy.

Happy baking.

With love.

As Benjamin said

2005-12-28T03:23:00.000-08:00

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Wise man.
Love
J
x

Oh, not feeling all that Christmassy

2005-12-24T02:17:00.000-08:00

Elly and I were married in July this year. Six months on, and the wedding photographer still hasn't provided us with our album. Well, that's not entirely true, he did, and they were the wrong photos, with a weird, soft focus. So we had to send them back.

Elly and I are both vegetarian. My parents are staying for Christmas and want their roast turkey.

Talk about forces for homoeostasis. (Well, forces for anger, frustration and throwing my hands up in despair and screaming SOD THE LOT OF YOU, WHY F****** BOTHER?)

Leadership would be so easy if it wasn't for that fact that the world is filled with other people.

And of course, other people never do what they say they will, or when they do it it's just plain wrong.

Which proves that everyone else in the world (apart from me) is bad, evil, wrong and dangerous. Whereas, of course, I am good, pure, right and virtuous, all the time.

OW!.......and Elly wants you to know that she is also good, pure, right and virtuous.

Good grief I love being in the box.

Merry Christmas!

Love
J
x

Moment

2005-12-22T02:21:00.000-08:00

Moment - noun - the turning effect produced by a force acting at a distance on an object
Moment - noun - an exact or particular point in time

Funny, the key to leadership seems to lie in being in the moment.

Hohoho and other pseudo-intellectual chuckles

Peaceful moments to us all

Love

J
x

Odd times

2005-12-20T02:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when going through shintaido, I can really feel my hands - all cool and tingling - just like in T'ai Chi. And sometimes, when stretching I can really feel parts of my body waking up and breathing deep. And sometimes, I can feel nothing at all.

What a mix.

J
x

Let it be what it is

2005-12-19T01:25:00.000-08:00

If I can't connect to me
no amount of wishful thinking will ever connect me to you
If I can't connect to this moment
I will never experience the moment I desire

I will be forever gazing just upstream
peering around the next turn of the river
searching the mist for the clear pool of water
grasping at the droplets that hang in the air
never realising that I am
standing in the pool
that laps at my feet,
while clear rain falls all around
soaking me to the skin

If we would only stop and notice it
we are here
and now
there is nothing else
this is the moment
this is what we desire
there is nothing else

You carry a basket of fresh-baked bread...

Well, you know what...?

2005-12-18T08:29:00.000-08:00

Tired is the word that keeps coming back to me. I've been delivering workshops last week, getting into all manner of crap hotels, not sleeping well and generally too busy to not be busy without collapsing, if you see what I mean. Even actually, if you don't.

The group call was strangely frustrating - comfortable, amicable and slightly unsatisfying. Do I know what I want instead? No. But then, space first, particles second. I remembered the Moroccan Lounge meeting, get the space right and the particles slide into place - we edged towards a sense of communal identity in those minutes. Seems different these days. Feels like old-fashioned telephone calls to me. Feels...pleasant and bland. In fact, in these crazy days, perhaps more than ever when leadership and real connection would be most helpful, I find myself withdrawing, making less time for me and others and getting my head down to get through the times in one piece.

Am wondering about the point of all this leadership stuff...asking, "so what?" And often getting annoyed and angry with it....so something must be going on! The dip? What is running me? Where am I trying to look good? What am I taking so seriously?

Forming - storming - norming - performing - going tribal? I think as a tribe we're kidding ourselves somehow....perhaps the Guru Macaroon has infiltrated the tribe space and is making us take it all very seriously? Or not seriously enough. Perhaps it's all made up anyway? Not sure what that means either. And it may be just me. Messy, innit?

Good.
Gloves

J
x

Some thoughts from a rather sad place

2005-12-11T04:21:00.000-08:00

I remembered earlier today that people really do put their hearts into loving the people around them. It's just that it's too easy to lose track of that among all the stuff we tell ourselves about ourselves and each other. I feel sad about that. Sometimes I really miss the intimacy of knowing that underneath all that thinking, we truly love each other.

Here's one of my poems:

Somewhere under all of this…

Somewhere under all this thought
there is the truth of where I am
the sense of what I am feeling
the natural, uncluttered me.

Somewhere under all these words
there is the feeling
the sentiment of what I have to say
that speaks from the real me.

Somewhere under all your listening
there is the truth of where you are
the sense of what you are feeling
the natural uncluttered you.

Somewhere under all our thought
under all our trying
to understand, to communicate, to love
our real selves are doing just that.

If only we could let them be
without breaking in and disrupting
with all our thinking and trying.
How much simpler it would be
for me to show you
how much I love you
How my life is in your veins
How close I would hold your heart
How I would sing for you
Knowing, that somewhere
under this blanket of thinking
your heart hears and sings along.

c JM Feb '04

And here are some thoughts I came across today.

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is not complete" The B-man (Buddha, that is)

"We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are" The Talmud

"Don't just do something! Sit there!" Thich Nhat Hanh

oooo, the kraken wakes...

2005-12-04T03:58:00.000-08:00

Growl.

Growl.

Snort.

Dribble.

YAAARRRGGGHHHHH.

Ahem.

Love

Me
x

Leadership and making stuff up

2005-12-03T03:48:00.000-08:00

Leadership and self deception.

Good grief, we don't see clearly when we're in the box, under a lid, under a gremlin attack, or thinking too hard.

Mea culpa. Apologies.

Don't you just hate it when a book gets things right?

Love

Sitting in the middle of the mess and thinking (too much)

2005-12-03T02:02:00.000-08:00

Here's a great phrase from my MBTI training, that I apply to this post:

This is an explanation, not an excuse.

Aside from that, this is my stuff - I am owning this.

For most of my life (with a glorious exception of two wonderful years, and some moments outside then) I've been reluctant to express me, what I want and what I feel, particularly when it's anger, frustration or things that typically people don't like to hear about. If you want reasons, look at my lid - I'm awkward, clumsy and don't fit in, I hurt and upset people, so I will be alone and I will be abused, attacked etc (yes, yucky, liddish, victim stuff).

So when I do express myself in adverse situations it takes me a lot of effort, and can be messy or unpredictable (eccentric, right?). I mean physical and mental effort - I expressed myself fully in several contexts recently - and I've been lying awake since 5 o'clock this morning wondering whether it's acceptable, and wondering what the responses I am receiving actually mean. And now I'm tired of trying to figure out what people mean. I'm tired of trying to figure out what others are making up about me or my motivations on the back of my communication. I'm tired of having to work so hard at trying to make myself understood. I'm tired, generally, actually, and my inclination is to just say , FFFF it, why bother? And there's where my victim gremlin (called Hangdog) comes in.

AND I WILL NOT STOP. I've had enough of not speaking for me, it doesn't help me, and I'm not going back there. I will own what is my stuff, and try not to worry about what is other people's. And I ask for your patience, your help and your clarity with me while I practice this.

I guess everyone's mind is wired so differently that it's a miracle we can understand directions to the post office, let alone talk about deep feelings without utter confusion from the minute anyone opens their mouth or keyboard.

Not knowing

x

The Maroon Guru Macaroon

2005-11-30T02:23:00.000-08:00

In the garden, preparing for shintaido. Opened my mouth and all these bizarre things came out..to the west, the wobbly, wet, windy, watery, west. I had more fun calling in the silly points of the compass, than I've had the past few days looking for meaningful words for each direction. And not surprisingly, the whole experience was really rather groovy.

And of course, the words for the day are "sod significance".

On journalling, I realised the gremlin that has been sitting on me for the past few days - so LADIES AND GENTLEMENT....meet the Maroon Guru Macaroon. The cross-legged, fake-tanned, loincloth-wearing wise one. He wears a ridiculously large maroon turban (which actually is removed in one piece, with a silly popping noise, rather than being wrapped carefully) fastened with a (glass) ruby in a gold setting. Anyway, this guy sidles into the scene very quietly, (sneaking into the shot, almost unnoticed from an edge of the scene) on his ridiculously large flying carpet and smothers whatever is going on in the middle of the stage.

And there he sits, making nonsense OMMing noises, and occasionally sneaking an eye open to see if anyone has realised he's making it all up. He then waits, and occasionally opens his eyes, smiles (rather sickeningly) and utters some phrase as if a blessing to the masses...."remember, sprouts are only 59p per kilo in Sainsbury's".

The major trick he plays is to make everything so very earnest and significant. Actually, he has some good things to offer and say, but it's so pressured into being significant that it comes out all weird and choked up.

What I love about this image, aside from the fact I can see him clearly, is that noticing it brings me so much more compassion and humour. I know I can be actually rather wise or peaceful from time to time and I know I do want to find learning and depth, but recognising that my wisdom and peace also come from silliness, play and downright stupidity....who said it had to be meanigful, deep or wise? The Maroon-Guru-Macaroon, that's who...

Lid lifted

J

Catching myself coming back

2005-11-29T15:30:00.000-08:00

Good grief, I could do with just slowing down again. The last two days have included a rather heated email exchange with our wedding photographer, some great feedback on things I do / be, new appointments, disappointments and strange weather. I feel in a spin, but not like a positive, gyroscopic one, more of a headish slow topple! Still....

A highlight to share is this, adapted from the journal.....

Yesterday, Elly and I stopped working, opened the window and listened to the snow falling. We could hear the thick flakes hissing through the air. This is the power of the moment: we can lose ourselves in an experience like that and fall in love with the world again.

I grow more convinced that the only way to change or grow is to slow right down and fully experience the things we want to change - to fall in love with them, learn their wisdom and then move on, with the hiss of the snow playing beautifully in our memory.

What a wonderful hippy.

Love

Me
x

2005-11-27T02:44:00.000-08:00

Today is not the easiest day.

I had a big gremlin attack last night, the essence of which is "I have nothing worthwhile to offer and when I do, it's either stupid or ineffectual, so shut up, and stop bothering people". Well, I know that's gremlin nonsense and I don't actually believe it (yay!), and it ties very neatly with the lid of being completely alone - it's the missing piece that makes it all self-fulfilling. When the lid is down, I'm so afraid of saying anything that I shut up and try to be invisible, and if the gremlin is there as well, then if I do say anything I'm convinced it's so pointless and people will leave anyway - it's that old line: "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't" - what a sack of crap! Wonderful how many knots all these strange beliefs tie me up in, and I don't think I really want to entertain that any more - I shall chuck a metaphorical rock up the hillside for that one!

Anyway, while journalling I had several thoughts that reminded me of all the swans...landing in your arms after trust fall and being welcomed and loved, snot, tears, and odd behaviour all together. And I realised I miss you all. I want to hear more from each of you. It's disorientating and a little odd hearing and reading very few voices. It's almost as if we've disconnected and got back to what we used to call real life. I'm not happy with that, if it is true. So, PLEASE, let's hear from each other again.

With love

X

Simple

2005-11-26T03:55:00.000-08:00

Ay up (means hello)

A simple posting today - and the word is 'practice'. In all things, practice: patience, compassion, speaking truth and inviting people in. Practice, practice, practice.

Love
Me
X

Know me some more

2005-11-25T06:19:00.000-08:00

When I was about 8 and it was a warm summer day, I would get off the bus from school and walk home. Some days, there would be just me walking back. On those days, I would deliberately walk slowly, so I could hear each step that I took, making a light crunching noise on the gravel on the pavement. I can feel the warmth on my back and all around me, even as I think of those walks home. I would walk so slowly and hold each precious second close to my heart. I have such a clear picture of it now, with Roy's house on my right, the hedgerow on the left and the field with wheat in behind it. I'd be able to feel the pavement under my feet, and hear the occasional bird singing. The sound of the gravel would provide just enough of a focus to hold me in that moment, and yet not so much that it became hard work. I would savour each of those seconds. In those moments I had my earliest and fondest experiences of peace, belonging and the richness of each moment.

Throughout my life, I've loved places of such stillness, with just enough of a focus to draw my attention both inside and out. I've always liked churches, cathedrals, art galleries (when they're quieter) and quiet spots in the countryside. For just that reason: I could find tranquility, like my attention and energy are perfeclty balanced between the outer and inner worlds. At those times, there is no doing required, just staying in the being of life.

I claimed this value of mine today, it's called 'reverence'. Here are some words...

"I wonder how I could bring reverence to my life? The truth is that every moment holds 'just enough focus' to find the emotion and experience, however each moment might look on the outside. Theere is so much joy and experience in this world that we could never tire of it - what a joyous playground and place of discovery.

The dead way to live is to pass with our eyes closed and heart shut, trying to be 'strong', pretending we don't feel either pain or joy. This way kills more surely than the pain and joy of life ever could, even in the rawness of our hearts. To feel our pain and fear merely reminds us how much we have loved and how capable of loving we truly are. Pain is merely love, removed or passed.

The live way is to feel and experience our lives, to seek what we need to sit in our pain and fear, to sit in our joy and love and to let these expereinces show in our faces, our eyes, our words and hearts. This gives us deeper access to ourselves and to each other. This is the new way and the oldest way - it is the pulse of life and the rhythm of all things, it is the path of forgiveness and reconciliation. This is the living way, the way of love and acceptance of ourselves and of our enemies who become our deepest friends. Such love is life. Be with."

J
x

Dreams, dreams, drzzzzzzzzz

2005-11-24T19:18:00.000-08:00

I love dreams. They are so insightful. Never mind all that Freudian analysis stuff - get your head around Gestalt dream work - it's delightful, and astounding how powerful a process it is for assimilating inner wisdom. The basic premises are that only the dreamer can know what the dream is about (sounding familiar?), and that some facet or facets of the dreamer are represented in every feature of the dream. Another wonderful notion is that dreams are your subconscious (intuitive?) mind talking to you, but that nightmares or recurring dreams are your subconscious shouting at you. Anyway, don;t take it from me, read about it yourself or even better, work with your dreams in a gestalt way, it will be fascinating. Unless it isn;t of course!

I love it.

When I worked through my dream last night (it's a bit of a hobby with me), I found a means of identifying and integrating three different aspects of myself - my soul (the symbol was a large, bank with deep vaults), my heart (a young child who had robbed the bank, and very scared of being sent back to prison - long story there too, and no, I haven't committed any crimes or been in prison, my subconscious isn't that literal!) and my mind (the rather serious policeman who didn;t want to punish, but to understand the thief - always trying to understand). Anyway, one of the processes is a dialogue between different elements of the dream....suffice it to say my journal is a little bizarre, but wonderfully resolved today.

Here are some words...

"My word today was clarity. How wonderful it should come through in my dream and bring a totally different process of finding wisdom with it. Things are seldom what they seem at first glance, and yet it's the glance that changes. the glance. Not the things themselves. This is all we get in life, a series of glances, unless we slow down and think of the variety of different glances. The is the way of peacefulness, celebration and integration. Welcome to more of life, welcome to more of me. . With love and depth..."

Me
x

Ooooooo a moment of peace

2005-11-23T04:14:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

Elly's birthday today, so dashing out soon. Here are some words....

"I feel restful and peaceful. My sadness and remorse are actually very loving and compassionate. Joy, that was my word today, and I can unpack that word a little - it includes a peaceful, gentle smile as well as bounding about the place all jumpy and excited.

I've been likened to Kenny Everett three times in the last three days (this is getting spooky), and I find moments of real peace as well - very gentle smiling - a Dalai Lama-esque feeling. Quite a bizarre combination - eccentric, you might say.

As I listen to the level three of the swans I notice we are out of sync. That our wings are not beating in time. That we are flying unevenly. I feel the swans need a lift or focus? I want us to look together in one place once again. To re-find each other it feels important to share a moment - in spirit. Not in voice or on the phone - in spirit. I suggest this as a playful experiment.

Next week, on Tuesday 29th November, I will think of each of you between 15:00 and 15:30 GMT, and send you a word in thought. If you want to play at something bizarre - please join in at the same time, or listen out - who knows what you might hear."

With a bizarre and slightly silly grin

Me
X

Eeeee by gum but ahm knackered

2005-11-22T08:45:00.000-08:00

A fine piece of northern English dialect for you there, which roughly translates to "I say, how very tired I'm feeling".

Well, perhaps predictably, the session went really well.....and got better from the minute I stopped using the damned powerpoint slides and starting playing and being, frankly, rather camp. So there we were, 50-60 people all asking dumb questions, making mistakes and splashing about in some real basic values and vision stuff. It was a ball!

And the feedback....was great! Apparently, my style is.....
"enthusiastic, inspiring, energetic, informal, relaxed, fun AND professional"....all these things and more, right? And here's the weirdest piece of 'learning'. I've heard and known these words about my style for ages - really, a long time. And what I realised today was that I had assumed that everybody's style of leading workshops is like that, that there's nothing remarkable about it. And (can you see the Homer Simpson moment coming?), today, I'm actually getting that it's not everyone - it is me - and actually, it is special and powerful, and I don't need to think that just because it's easy (relatively) for me, that it's valueless.......D'OH!

Elly finds this realisation extremely amusing, and has been wondering how long it would take me to get that I really am very special. D'oh - again.

So, my commitment today is to explore and revel in my 'home-base' a little more, before I go off anywhere else.

And because I'm so tired, I'm off for a while, now.

Wishing you fond lovely things

xx

So,

How come tomorrow is taking up so much of today?

2005-11-21T01:47:00.000-08:00

Well, I need some help and support here.

Tomorrow I'm leading a presentation for two hours or so to the local branch of the largest professional HR body in the UK (CIPD). Seventy people, presumably all coming along in their corporate roles, pretending to be experts (OOOOO what boxes am I putting people in?!). And I'm leading a session called 'passion and performance: co-active coaching in the workplace'.

Strangely, although I know I know my stuff inside out and back to front and have lead sessions like this perfectly well before now, I'm feeling quite heady and nervous about it all. And yet, when I'm in the flow - no problems, I'm sure. So settling down is required.

Perhaps I can come at it from the word of the day - which is 'growth'. As I stood on the ground, feeling my feet on the floor, I noticed my head was going upwards - neat trick. I was growing.

Aren't we always?

Love
X

Two days, one post, one cup of tea and a red pen

2005-11-20T04:00:00.000-08:00

My impact - what is it? Getting clearer - I open people up to new experiences - actually the ones they thought they couldn't or shouldn't have - whether apparently positive and negative. The size of life expands as a result - and it is more peaceful. You know what, process is my preferred principle, even my fulfillment and balance coaching feels kinda processy. Neat. I love it.

Here are some words from yesterday's journal...for which the very clear word was...PURPOSE.

"My swans, I speak from my heart, we bring peace. This is what we do. This is the big thing we are up to, the tidal wave we cause. When we beat our wings together, the movement is irresistible and after it follows peace. Our interventions bring a newer, deeper, more loving peace. One where we might be still, be in dynamic movement, be in ourselves and our own experience of life and so...be peaceful. And when we are at peace, all that we do will be peaceful.

How many lives must we save? Only our own, and all those lives around us will be transformed. This is what we swans do, this is how we be. Peaceful, graceful and powerful. The greatest wall we must beat down is the one around our own heart. And when that is beaten to dust then we will be truly peaceful, we will bring peace and we will truly be swans in flight."

Love

X

One of mine

2005-11-18T08:29:00.000-08:00

Wisdom

And all the while,
as I am becoming
more frustrated
more irritated
more desperate
to grab inner peace and force it to live in me for longer than five minutes once a week,
all this while…

…outside…

…the birds sing
the breeze sets leaves to dance
and a robin,
perked
high and proud
cocks his head
‘how curious!’
he observes
and returns to the real world

Spinning like a top

2005-11-15T05:11:00.000-08:00

Hi!

Well, I'm off to York later today to run two workshops on stress and motivation - what a great chance to watch for my eccentric impact - I'll let you know!

Today's words were more of an idea - to just STOP. NOW. And look around at the world and beauty we would have missed if we were blindly working away or trying too hard. As I stood facing the East, I stopped and decided to stand and wait a little before starting shintaido. And a flock of fieldfares flew past, out of the East - stopping has its rewards.

And then later, as I waited for a word to appear, I opened my eyes and watched the garden birds flying past and around me. Witness the beauty of the world, we miss it too often.

With busy-ness and remembering to stop and spin perfectly still for a while.

Love

X

Snatching victory from the jaws of defeat

2005-11-14T04:13:00.000-08:00

These are the last few lines of my journalling this morning; I was writing about choosing the alive way or the dead way in every moment of life...These words remind me of Haiku in terms of capturing a moment.

"A leaf on the plant dances in the rising hot air from the radiator below the window sill on which the plant sits. Things are moving even though we may not see what causes them to move. This is a comforting thought."

Peaceful, easy and smiling slightly.

Fly well

XX

How is it to be full of emptiness? A mondo from me

2005-11-13T04:15:00.000-08:00

My word today was 'empty' and, ironically, I filled my face with a smile after it arrived. I have spent some days since retreat 1 worrying about feeling empty, particularly after feeling so full on the retreat itself. And it reminded me of something people have said to me....

"Let it be empty for a while" - Thanks to Karen for that gem, and "there is nothing to do here, but be here, now" - thanks to me for that one. So I sat with emptiness, rather than rush to fill it up or panicking about trying to get back to fullness. SO here are some notes from my journal that relate to this, and frankly, you can replace emptiness with just about any word you care to think of (though probably not sausages)...

If I'm picking blackberries and get caught on the thorns, it hurts, and my normal reaction is to pull my arm away as quickly as possible. But, pull against a thorn and all I do is catch myself on it even more - causing more pain. If I stop, then put my arm back in a little way, I will unhook myself and will be able to remove my arm from the thorns safely.

Emptiness is the same. It makes no more sense to try and lead a full life, without experiencing emptiness, than it does to try to breathe fully in, without first breathing out. It's part of the deal...it is something to be experienced fully and with as much wonder and joy as joy itself, passion, sadness, fear, anger and flying.

As I sit with emptiness I realise it is a sign of completion, of having finished with something, and that it allows me to be filled again. Emptiness allows me to resonate clearly. Emptiness is SPACE, and if I am feeling empty I am merely feeling the space that I am in. Things move towards emptiness as much as things gravitate towards fullness. Space and emptiness allow other things and people to be in their experience fully, without cramping them. If I run from emptiness, if I always cling to and yearn for fullness, I am missing precious moments of my life and putting myself more strongly on the hook. If I run from emptiness, I can never really complete, deepen or be filled again.

This, is how the lake we swans swim on came to be made.

Hmmm.

With love

Me
X

Well, OK, you asked for it

2005-11-12T03:53:00.000-08:00

Goodness, here it is - my first post on a blog. So I'm feeling a little exposed, fortunately for the good citizens of Leicestershire, this is not a literal phenomenon, more an internal one. Anyway, here we are, blogging.

I wanted this to be a journal of talking from my heart to my tribe, the Swans, and anyone dotty enough to happen by, and I'm sure that sometimes, I'll get it wrong and it will seem to be as heartfelt as a brick. Still, you'll know, I guess, when you read.

So, an intriguing place to be in today. I loved the group call yesterday - it really brought home a sense of belonging and joy. I loved being invited to say more (Thanks Paul) - this is a novelty for me, so takes a little getting used to. And I have been working through some fascinating stuff for me, how often it is easier to write from my heart than it is to speak from it. So, hey, blogging may suit after all.

Morning ritual produced another word today - leaning. What this means is unclear and a phrase I am working with at the moment is "I don't need to understand", so that's paying off already! I am feeling somehow soulful today.

I want to have words to offer you that would tell you something comforting and growing, and right now I don't have them. So, know that you are part of something bigger than yourself and that somewhere, sometimes, somebody else is taking care of the space so we don't always have to tend to it ourselves.

OO sounds quite deep that. Better sign off!

Love

Whatever my name is!